"The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together."
If you’ve been following along on social, you may have seen some of our new videos and resources. Here are a couple of our recent favorites:
This month, we're doing something a little different. Kyle and Bjorn sat down with their spouses, Leah and Madeline, to talk about something every couple faces but few discuss openly: money.
Leah: We were chatting about this the other day and I didn't remember, but Bjorn claims we were sitting on my couch before we got engaged and he walked me through his net worth chart for the first time. I was impressed with his net worth of something like $1000 and the new vocab word I learned: "net worth chart." Almost 20 years later we still look at that same excel spreadsheet and it's fun to see the progress!
Bjorn: I think we first talked about money shortly after getting engaged. While I remember that "big reveal" on the couch, we both went into the engagement with a very clear—and very humble—understanding that we were starting from zero. Back then, our financial strategy wasn't exactly high-level wealth management; it was more of a tactical mission to survive Leah's grad school and soon after to figure out how to handle my "underwater" house. It's been a long journey from that first $1,000 spreadsheet to where we are now.
Madeline: Once engaged, we began to plan our post-marriage life logistics which brought up the topic of money. We started to talk about the money we had, which quickly shifted into how much money we didn't have, and then, "how the heck are we going to make this work?" We did make it work but conversations about money when you have very little are quite different than when you have more, so our early conversations stuck pretty much to cost-cutting methods and money-making plans. We even tried making our own laundry detergent!
Kyle: When we were engaged. I remember laughing through some premarital workbooks that asked financial questions, because they were obviously geared toward people with more than we had.
Leah: We have joint finances and always have. When we got married, I still had two years of graduate school to get through. Although I had part time jobs, I couldn't cover my tuition and living expenses so it was an easy decision to pool our resources and then continue to work together towards our financial goals once I had a full time income. As Bjorn's income has increased, I have been able to decrease my time spent pursuing paid work and that has been pretty natural too.
Bjorn: We have always kept our finances together. It would just be so complicated to keep them apart, I think. Beyond the simplicity, it gives us the flexibility to pivot roles—whether that's supporting each other through school or shifting career gears—without worrying about who is "covering" what. We've always had a "consult before you click" rule for bigger purchases. That threshold used to be a very firm $100; these days, we're a bit more relaxed, but I would feel a bit guilty if I didn't let her know about a purchase of more than $100 (but I might do it).
Madeline: I definitely had more than $8,000 when we got married, but Kyle quickly spent it all:) We've always seen our money as a joint pot but after our first couple years of marriage we began incorporating individual "slush funds" for each of us even if it was only $20 per month. Kyle likes to talk about money more than me whereas I like to spend without talking more than he does. A slush fund gives me the freedom to do that so over time I've kept a small side purse and he has not.
Kyle: I had zero dollars to my name when we married. Madeline had about $8,000 saved, so she likes to say I married her for her money. We married young with very little money, so it was easy to join our nearly non-existent finances as a couple. When Madeline is feeling generous, she sometimes surprises me with a transfer from her slush fund to our joint checking account. When she does, it feels better than Christmas!
Leah: I am naturally very thrifty and would definitely fixate on $5 questions, Bjorn has been really patient with my scarcity mindset over the years and loves making me spreadsheets to show that we are going to be financially ok even if… (insert large purchase Bjorn wants to make here)… happens. I tend to do most of the day to day shopping, so for the most part I thrift away at goodwill and Aldi and Bjorn makes lovely spreadsheets to justify the long term benefits of larger purchases like a new car.
Bjorn: We don't really have "unsettled" disagreements; instead, we've learned to value the balance the other person brings. Leah is eternally frugal—frankly, she's built to survive the Great Depression. While I'm a disciplined saver, I also side with Warren Buffett's view that saving too much of your income is like "saving sex up for old age." I'm grateful Leah keeps us grounded, and she's (mostly) patient when I suggest we actually enjoy the fruits of our labor. Our biggest financial standoff? Buying our current house. It's a story better told over a drink (or three), but let's just say it's a chapter in our history that deserves its own book!
Madeline: Over time Kyle and I have become very accepting of our different spending priorities, but it also helps that we like to spend money on many of the same things like travel, hosting and Spanish lessons! For bigger disagreements along the way, we'd FaceTime Bjorn for emergency counseling for which Bjorn still managed to have extensive spreadsheets prepped:)
Kyle: When we made very little money, financial conversations were more difficult. More income solves a lot of problems! I would say that Madeline spent more than I did back when we had less, which led to conflict, but I spend way more now! We are fortunate now that we can both spend on what is important to us without risking spending beyond our means, so we rarely have financial disagreements anymore.
Leah: Starting from that first sit down with the net worth chart, I have learned the value of long-term planning from Bjorn. I've always been a saver and much more interested in possessing money than actually planning to do anything with it. Bjorn has patiently helped me see that when the necessities and likely contingencies are accounted for, we can take a special vacation or use the money intentionally to bring peace, convenience, or delight right now rather than squirreling everything away for later.
Bjorn: Leah has taught me that the best financial strategy in the world is useless without a shared vision. We actually have a standing "sync" on our calendar once a week to review our schedule and finances. It might sound a bit formal, but being on the same page proactively is what allows us to be so relaxed the rest of the week.
Madeline: Kyle has taught me that attentive financial tracking and planning, though laborious and a strong dislike of mine, can actually lead to a greater feeling of freedom even without making more money. From my sense of freedom in spending I think Kyle has become better at seeing the value of a purchase which is separate from but right there alongside, underneath or beyond the dollar sign number.
Kyle: Madeline has always had healthy financial priorities. She usually comes up with a way to spend money that would benefit our family that I am hesitant to do, but am glad that she pushed us to do it. For example, buying our dog! I can operate from a scarcity mindset with money, and she has an abundance mindset, so she is a helpful counterbalance for me!
Leah: I am responsible for most of the day-to-day spending in our household. Bjorn is responsible for tracking things and communicating the information to me weekly. We tend to plan vacations and make larger purchases like cars or home renovations together.
Bjorn: Since I'm a financial advisor and the resident "numbers guy," I handle the logistics—paying the bills, tracking cash flow, and managing our investments. I try to keep everything organized and transparent so our weekly check-ins are quick and easy. Of course, the system only works because of the checks and balances: I bring the "visionary" ideas for cool things to do, and Leah handles the vital task of vetoing about 90% of them to keep us on track!
Madeline: Kyle does 95% of our financial tasks and I do 95% in other categories. For us, a "same team, different positions" mindset has made our partnership effective and efficient.
Kyle: I am definitely the money guy in our household. I keep Madeline informed of our financial position and the business but we don't have a regular formal meeting about it. When we do, it involves me excitedly talking about our finances, and Madeline enduring it. We certainly make big financial decisions together, but I enjoy handling the details.
Leah: There are a couple things that bother me about our house and I am really excited about saving up the money to fix those. For example, the only bathtub in our house is in our bathroom and I would love to have the kids take baths not in my personal bathroom. I also revert to my scarcity mindset and fear and worry that the robots are going to take all of our jobs so I want to make sure we have enough money to retire before that happens, so actually the bathrooms are fine!
Bjorn: I'm still enjoying a major "win" we just checked off the list: trading in our heavily dented, 12-year-old minivan for a Ford Expedition. After years of driving the wheels off the van, I'm honestly still in the honeymoon phase with the new ride! I didn't even need to produce a cost benefit chart to prove to Leah that it was a good idea.
Madeline: We both enjoy working to teach our kids about money — saving, spending, and giving — in ways that make sense for them as individuals.
Kyle: Madeline couldn't even think of anything she needs or wants! I love that woman. In reality, many of our "big" financial goals are either complete (new house in 2023) or the planning is on autopilot (kid's education, retirement, etc.). Starting in 2024 we began financially prioritizing international travel with our family each year, which excites us both. We are going to Italy this summer!
Leah: Having a weekly or even monthly money date on the calendar is really important so that you talk about things not in the heat of the moment but at a scheduled time. It has been so fun for us to track the progress together over the years!
Bjorn: My first piece of advice is to simplify. We've found that maintaining one joint checking account and one primary credit card acts as a natural communication tool; there's no "mystery" spending. Secondly, start tracking your net worth monthly. It's easy to get bogged down in the daily ebbs and flows of expenses, but seeing that long-term trend line move upward together is incredibly motivating. It shifts the conversation from "what are we spending?" to "what are we building?"
Madeline: Find a financial planner with whom you both feel comfortable discussing the struggles!
Kyle: I think it's very difficult to have financial conversations if you don't know exactly where you stand financially. You have to begin with the end in mind by writing down a list of shared goals. Then (perhaps with professional help), develop a cash flow system that will put as many of those goals on autopilot. Financial conversations start to become easier once you both feel like you are on the right trajectory towards the things that are most important to you.
This material is intended for educational purposes only. You should always consult a financial, tax, or legal professional familiar with your unique circumstances before making any financial decisions. Nothing contained in the material constitutes a recommendation for purchase or sale of any security, investment advisory services or tax advice. The information and opinions expressed in the linked articles are from third parties, and while they are deemed reliable, we cannot guarantee their accuracy.